Hello people!
Today hasn't been a particularly good one for me emotionally and I thought I should write about it, explain what I've been going through and give tips on how to deal with it.
In 2011 I was diagnosed with anxiety, more specifically performance anxiety but it has now become more general than performance. It all started when I was performing infront of about 50 people for my school music class performance night on my clarinet. Backstage I was becoming a little shaky and I thought to myself that it was just normal nerves that everyone gets, but one thing that was different about my nerves was that no matter how much water I drank, my throat would still be dry. Finally I walked onto stage and shakily held my clarinet up and began playing my piece.
I got through the first few lines fine but when it came to me having a rest while the piano accompany played in the gap, my legs were quivering, I could barely hold my clarinet and started to freak when I saw everyone bearing their eyes into me. When I was about to start playing again, nothing came out, I just couldn't get a note out and I completely froze on the spot. I quickly said sorry under my breath and run off stage and out the back. I pretty much shoved my clarinet into one of the teachers and slid down the wall when two of my friends bolted towards me and asking if I was ok and all of that stuff. I can't really remember what happened after that but I do remember sitting outside in the cool breeze with a friend that wasn't performing for at least another hour and him just trying to calm me down and take my mind off what happened. Eventually my mum came to pick me up and I went home and slept it off. I thought that was the end of whatever had happened and quickly forgot about it but right before a speech for house captain voting at school, I completely freaked and was so paranoid that I would freeze up again, I ended up dropping out of the vote and made my way crying down to the music block where a very good friend of mine was, who happens to be the conductor for the band, and I bawled my eyes out and told him what happened. For the rest of that year at school and half of 2012, I couldn't perform and do any speeches for classes to my full potential.
Anxiety didn't only effect my performances, it also effected my socially and emotionally. I had become so paranoid that I would have to stay home from school a couple of days and I was always scared and convinced myself that none of my friends actually liked me and were just pretended to be my friend. When I had my "good" days I knew that my friends weren't like that and it was absolutely absurd to think that but it is amazing how your mind plays tricks on you like that.
After much too long of a wait, I went to the doctor and she told me to see a psychiatrist and that I had anxiety. I saw the psychiatrist a total of about 6 times within 7 months and he did teach me a few calming techniques but he mainly spoke about why we get anxiety and I wish now that I had gone to another one so I could learn more techniques.
In my last 6 months of high school, my mum had been prescribed "chill pills" to get her heart rate and blood pressure down as she was really stressed with work and what not and the doctor said that before any performance I had, I could take half of one of the pills and it would calm my heart rate down and I wouldn't become anxious or paranoid. I am so happy those were available to me and of course I wouldn't have been able to get through the bad stage of my life without my family and some really close friends that knew when to keep my mind off the subject and one in particular would always lightly pinch my leg when we were performing in band to let me know that I was ok and to keep it together. I couldn't have asked for anything more in her.
It is now the 5th month of 2013, just over two and a half years after my first anxiety attack, and I still do get the attacks every now and then. I think that I am not good enough and that everything I have ever done is worthless and just burst out crying and occasionally hyperventilate for a few seconds. In these moments I feel like something bad is going to happen to me and for some reason I should be scared and prepared for the worst, but in reality what on earth is going to hurt me while I am sat on my bed on tumblr and youtube all day?!
If you think you may have anxiety, go to your GP and explain your symptoms and you can work from there. I find that when I am having an attack, I need to get out of what I am doing immediately, get into some fresh air with some water, and maybe a cold pack or a wet cloth or towel to cool my head down, and most importantly have someone there who knows what is happening and you can tell them to either babble on about nothing to keep your mind occupied or tell them to shut up and to just comfort you by being there until you are ready to talk.
This was quite a hard topic to write about and multiple tears were shed but my number 1 short-time cure for an attack is to just keep crying until you can't go no more. I always feel so refreshed after crying, I know it sounds weird but it is the 100% truth. If anyone is reading this and needs to have a quick talk and if you have any questions about anxiety, please message me or leave a comment and I will get back to you as soon as I see your message. I know what the feeling is like and will try to help anyone that asks for it. <3